[8-16-2011]

i'm open to loving. show me something interesting and i'll stop at nearly nothing towards discovery. i enjoy the journey. smiles keep me going and tears help me feel alive.
and then we reach stability.
typically false. and we're both always aware but we pretend because we have loads of hope that we
are
balanced.
but something has to give and we break into pieces. and i will miss you or you will miss me. things won't be okay until i get distracted.
and the journey begins again.
and i love to travel.
so i can't accept, nor understand, why anyone could stay so hidden away from the great aspects of love. loving is good. even when you hate it, you know your heart is pumping the purest of blood. you know you have a soul. you are the epitome of passion. and even though you secretly are anticipating the end, you oh so sweetly pretend it will never come.
so this is why i keep trying. and will continue. even the endings can be sweet.
with every one comes a beginning.

it's time to fly.

nothing in this city is truly fulfilling anymore. i need to make changes. scary, unpopular ones.

eliza

    he doesn't want her red. he doesn't want her furious or hysterical. if she were to scream, cry or laugh out loud he would turn his head.
    the second she's passionate she becomes an animal, ravenous. if there are any tears on her face it might as well be the blood of prey. happy or sad, extreme is unfit for a woman.
    he may go to war. celebrate in the flesh of enemies. he may drink, smoke, intoxicate himself to the fullest. his stumbles are triumphant.
    but don't let her frown. don't let her love anything more than how much he "loves" her. he only likes her frail, needy and blank. never excited by anything but his touch.

warholizer.

fanta-sea

a big blue boulevard.

i'm beginning to notice the structure of living in wavelengths.

i throw my hands upward and raise an eyebrow, mouth hanging open with a perfect excuse.

the long fits of happiness always plunge away from me. it's a beginning and an ending, a collage of events that keep me swimming.
but i always resurface. the sun smiling upon me.

this architecture is average. there wouldn't be oceans if only puddles existed. swarms of boxy neighborhoods flood the earth.
some will sink. some will struggle. but we are all just floating.

condense.

i believe you feel the heat. you wouldn't come around if you didn't.
but heat is easy to emit. easy to partake.
i believe you like the ideas of me. you like someone looking back at you.

i believe in momentum.

i know you've had the best of intentions. i always do too. we make these connections and we break good intentions....but a promise is a disgusting thing.
i believe that you believe in the beautiful thing that you and i were supposed to be.

summer.

my self worth is shrinking. decision making skills seeping.
    thought i was better than this and thought you were too, but now the thought remainders make me shudder.
    breath heavy with a good time.
    bodies limp from disinterest.
    but your bored curiosity persists.
    i know you were wrong, but i was never right. trying to make replacements out of an unfaithful situation.
    this is bad.
i'm losing myself.
i don't know if i should pick up a new. or use what strength i have left to repair the damage.
she's in here somewhere.

"you didn't fail; you just tripped."

...but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young.

my deepest breaths are so external these days. i heave my chest outward and inhale, but the air seems to just linger on the outsides of my body.
some days i can't keep my mind off of the pressure. it's exhausting. i can feel my life getting emptier as the clock keeps ticking. i'm not yet where i'm supposed to be and i'm losing the room for patience.
but i keep trying to sigh. i keep the attempts to fill my lungs coming. and then i smile, and show gratitude to the people who are still strong in my life. everything feels feeble, but even in the darkest days i know all is not lost. even if it is only on the surface.

faithless.

[written 3-18-11]

my heart is full. it's contents expanding rapidly causing the seams to bulge and the stitches to shred.
i've never wanted to give so much of myself to anything. i don't want that now. but it has happened.
the weight of this desire, this content existence. it's a hunger that's impossible to feed; it's tantalizing.
all of the power is out of my control and this notion is ridiculous to me. i should never relinquish this much to another.
but i have, and it shows that i am capable. the only stories i know the endings to have already occurred. i want to predict, because i think i can, but predictions are foolish. yet so is every other human tendency. it's high time to make that admission. we are all fools in our own right and there's no amount of knowledge that can give us escape from such reality.
there's no need to rationalize. there's no need for plans. i can hope, pray and dream, but i will only know mystery.
i accept mystery.

FUCK

i'm sick of gravity.

today's post is brought to you sans enter key.

either i've lost the will to get on soap boxes or i'm too distracted to develop soap box-worthy words. point is, this blog is losing its point.

today i survived because ballet was in my life. i'm so glad the two of us never said goodbye.

geeking out on danciiiing!

tonight

there's coffee running through my wires and i'm ready to choreograph this shizzzzzzzzz

also: www.latfh.com

art is my life partner.

i was thinking

maybe this time next year i'll be in a place where the weather will be perfect and the leaves will be changing color.

happy october, loves.

omg FRACTALS

new word courtesy of the weather channel:

conflagration.


k, byee!

cerebral patient.

i just realized in order to fully choreograph my solo, i need to hallucinate.

!!!

reflections of how life used to be.

i am unbelievably ready for craig thompson's habibi!


so, dearest blog,
i've now lived in paris. i ate raw beef and snails and was nearly abducted on a few occasions. i saw performances that were life changing and art that was moving. i witnessed, witnessed, witnessed. but does that really mean anything? does any of it mean that i am now capable of creating a masterpiece?
i was thinking about craig thompson's blankets and how many times i've read it and how there's always something new to discover. the same goes for bill t. jones' serenade/the proposition. from the first rehearsal to the closing show, i learned something different and important. i am and was lucky enough to have the luxury of continual examination of the two. so the same thoughts could probably be echoed about the works of sidi larbi cherkoui and leonardo da vinci, i just haven't spent as much time with them. i suppose that is what makes art masterful. how multi-faceted and full it is. at least that's how i'm calling it(now).
so maybe that's what i want to try and do this coming year. sure, it's a big feat for me, the little bfa candidate, but i'm pulling from some really incredible resources. the extreme stubbornness that saturates my blood has always been tearing me away from cuing off of an-y-one, but how else am i going to grow? i can't always just be innately audrey. ironically enough, that would just be a big fat lie, especially to myself.
i'm going to be epic, dammit. i'm not going to be afraid and sell myself short.

why do i even have this blog?

someone get me to a studio, quick.

need need need to reconnect; collaborate.
maybe even keep connections, make connections. i'm banking on the thoughts of friends, so selfish.
10th arrondissement of paris is calling me. really i'm calling him.
tim and eric
awesome show
great
job
.
already ready to stake my claim, make my mark. however feeble the "beginnings" may seem.
tooo much input and not enough out on my end.
money might keep it all from happening.
life left unreformed, but the fire under my ass ever so hot.
stay attached, girl. stay seen.

dancing in paris!

skipping town today.

i'm in paris. this trip will be what i make of it so with that said, i'm hoping for something major. ♥

mmm

star wars. ♥

toot toot.

my "professional debut as a choreographer"...

this sort of attention seems completely undeserving, but still kinda cool, yeah?

dance and rain. rain and dance.

i can't believe it's all happening! and the bulk of it hasn't even happened yet............
pivotal life moments in t-minus one summer.

!!!

a cover today.

"The Freshmen" by Jay Brannan

singular best experience of my life.

yessss!

okay, so.

bill t. jones seems to be quite the fan of my red hair....
just saying.

life=complete.

richmond, virginia.

acdfa was such a rejuvenating experience. i love-love-love dance-related traveling (if you haven't already noticed). it always reminds me just how universal of an art form it is. richmond is a beautiful city and i have some truly beautiful friends that i got to share it with. i would be complaining about normal life resuming in the morning, but lucky for me, i love my day-to-day. :)

my lately and soon.

http://theatreanddance.arts.usf.edu/content/templates/?a=1176&z=72

belief.

i meet THE man in two itty bitty days.
can i believe this right now?

there are sounds that i miss.

i taught a mini-contact improvisation class to my modern dancers tonight. they were so timid about it at first but when i watched them leaving the studio tonight; i noticed they were all walking as a group, together. :)
dancing is quite powerful, my friends.

"the middle" by jimmy eat world keeps creeping up on me in various ways. geez, universe, i get it!

"animal" by against me!

i can [probably] honestly say

that i've never put this much on the line for what i love. i wonder how it will feel?

in more recent news, i made something kind of cool.

i imagine this is a lot what heaven sounds like.

"boy 1904" by Jónsi and Alex

and i'm not often moved to tears.

song day.

"Our Swords" by Band of Horses

I'm having a homesick kind of night. :/

beautiful...

:)

audrey is...

absolutely never in the mood for sleep.

welcome, twenty-ten!

as this year and every other year comes to a close everyone seems to be turning towards their respective internet network of choice to recap on what they have become/accomplished/seen/etc. in the past 365 days. but 2009 is a bit different seeing as we are about to turn into a brand spanking new decade! it has been an overwhelmingly abundant 10 years for me, as well as the rest of the world. i was 10 years old when the ball dropped into midnight of january 1, 2000. i was in the fifth grade at old spanish fort christian school. i believe that was the year i discovered people make religion unbearable and i no longer needed an institution to tell me how my god works. that was my first year at a brand new school in a brand new city, daphne, alabama. i hated daphne with every fiber of my being. i went to two more schools while there and realized even further how difficult the human race can be. i also became a ballerina suprima in those years. i danced in several nutcrackers and cinderellas and what nots. i got my first pair of pointe shoes. i narrowly understood what was unfolding as i heard sirens screaming off the television as two buildings collapsed from an american sky. i heard the cries of a wounded yet stronger than ever society who was ready to show the world what they were made of. i lost a beloved grandfather. in 2003 i moved back to my hometown of birmingham and met my safe haven, the alabama school of fine arts. i grew up in those halls in so many respects. i made true friends. i became my own person. i became a better dancer yet lost my love of those pointe shoes. i got a boy to like me back and subsequently fell in love. i learned how to drive in a bright red f-150 in the developing backstreets of wesley chapel, florida. i experienced my first rocky horror picture show. i met my first car and gave someone else the privledge of naming her. i saw new york city for the first and second time and solidified my long time dream of living in that world. i saw canada and i saw six more states in the U.S. i got my heart broken and i lost one of my best friends to old age. i dated. i went to three proms. i had my first tastes of alcohol and never found anything better than the whiskey i would get from my dad when i was sick. i saw the U.K. i auditioned for juilliard wearing ballet shoes 3 or 4 sizes too large. i choreographed my first piece and it was about robots. i got accepted into the university of south florida and i finally graduated high school. my sister got married. i said good bye to all of this build up and began a new life further south. i acquainted myself with tampa, clearwater, st. petersburg and ybor city. i cried after my first day in college and didn't know why. i missed familiar faces, cold weather and the birmingham skyline. i had a seizure and was faced with a diagnosis i never saw coming, epilepsy. i lost the ability to drive for six months and moved into my first dorm room. there, i realized that i could actually enjoy and understand the appeals of university life. there, i fell in love again. i met many consequenses of my flippancy and lost many connections along the way. i went to my first usf football game in auburn, alabama and gloated in victory when the bulls closely defeated those damn tigers i had heard about my entire life. i became accustomed to the ways of the mosh pit. i met coheed and cambria and against me!. i tried out for the dance team. i read a book about bill t. jones. i was a sylphide for a night or two and pushed a piano on stage in front of an audience. i "found" modern dance. i learned a dance community did not have to be vicious and self-serving. i lost two of my dancing sisters due to circumstances that were to my eyes horrific and unfair. i moved into my first apartment. i attended the biggest audition of my life and screamed for joy for the first time in my life when i made the cut. i went to africa and learned the truth in the statement that dancing is indeed a universal language. i swam in the mediterranean in the middle of the night. and i plan on doing it again in 2010. 10 years ago, i was young and yet today i feel even younger. through all of this shifting and maneuvering i've learned that this life is a pretty big one, no matter what its length. the world is far too enormous for a life to become stale and uninteresting. to some people, 10 years may seem tiny and insignificant, and i suppose in the grand scheme of things it is. but i'm not going to let myself think that way. may the next 10 be just as magnificent and unforseeable!

2009

has been an incredibly sad year, but now the rev?!
the grim reaper has become an even greater level of evil now that he's plucking away all of the creative minds left on the planet left and right!
please, stop!

i'm ready for craig thompson's HABIBI!

a mausoleum for a former me.

there are few things in life i have found that i cannot let go of. those are the ones i'm most thankful for.

i've got a feeling....

"dancing is falling"








...and i fell hard!

wooohooooo

i love these people!

monochromatic monday.

unfortunate that it took this.

i've finally figured out why staying connected means so much to me lately.
and i rather wish i would've remained blissfully ignorant.

rip, love.

next step?

brb, chilling in the uk.

mind dump.

i have a hard time keeping my head in the present. i'm feeling incredibly nostalgic these days, yet i'm constantly wondering where i will be after i graduate. and then i realize that it's silly to think this way because the past is over and the future will forever be a mystery.

so for now i'm just going to enjoy the nice weather.

shows that we are united.

...i like it in the city when two worlds collide

this year is impeccable!

friction.

i'm sad today because i get to be part of the most beautiful, luscious and sexy dance i've ever witnessed but i don't feel beautiful, luscious or sexy enough for it to matter.

so fresh and so clean clean.

i have a cast. now what to do with my cast?
this semester is living up!

clearly:

jack white holds all the answers to my questions.

my sticky mediterranean.

words are meaningless when you have memories like these.
i'm thankful.

come back to me, it's almost easy.

<3

frank frazetta love.

...is that you?

potential.

i can do a lot of things, but can i tell a story?

losses and gains, goodbyes and forgottens.

farrah, michael: enjoy the heavens.
i've noticed that when someone close to you dies it's disappointing to see the next sunrise/sunset. the celestial movement that typically seems so mundane suddenly becomes another sign that despite any personal tragedy, life does continue.

in totally unrelated news, i'm beginning to worry. how am i ever supposed to make any sort of indicative imprint on the world if i can barely maintain any personal connections beyond their requirement?

some notes.

dear blogster,
why is it that your blank slate appearance is suddenly more terrifying than an empty ms word document?

dear birmingham,
i miss you still, even though i'm currently within your borders.

dear sterling,
hurry up!

as always,
audrey at sea.

mood: starchy.

i am in love with and addicted to food blogs.

flutter bye.

i have dealt with death and dying a few times before during my short time here. i've had grandparents go in a drawn out, more foreseen process. it was hard nonetheless, but despite my youth and naivety, i understood it was their time to move on to something bigger and better than their frail, weathered existence. a classmate my second grade year lost his two year old brother to a grapefruit sized brain tumor. even though I was only 8 years old myself, i spent the entire funeral service asking God why he didn't take me instead. my twelve year old german shepherd was put to sleep after he lost the ability to move his legs. i know many may not understand the sacredness of your childhood dog's life, but losing him was like losing my big brother.
i'm in no way trying to devalue the devastation and tragedy of each of these deaths. as each one came, they brought their fair share of heart break and undoubtedly changed my life forever, but until yesterday, i had never encountered a death quite like this one. my dear friend and colleague, michelle vargas passed away in a automobile accident saturday night. she wasn't old, and she wasn't sick. she was beautiful, vibrant, inspirational, very much alive michelle.
i can't say that i knew her as well as most, or as well as i could have. and it's true that you never really know what you have until it's gone. i find myself mad that i didn't call her recently and ask her how she was doing (since she was taking a break from school this semester). why did i waste all of those times we spent sitting around outside of the studios listening to my ipod or talking to someone else? why did i not take more pictures with her? it's true, there were so many opportunities untaken by myself, but i know the cause is not lost. you see, i've come to a beautiful conclusion about beautiful michelle. she was so giving in every single aspect of her life, that no matter what your level of interaction with her was, she developed a sincere, meaningful relationship with you. the way her eyes would light up and her wild gestures became so captivating no matter how mundane the content of the conversation. the way she could just throw herself through space with no fear of mistake. how she was always laughing. down to her snarky comments about her numerous tattoos. she was just that alive. you didn't have to be her best friend to recieve what she was giving. you just had to be there.
i understand she didn't live the easiest of lives, and in a way that's news to me. i always knew about her troubles, but truthfully i never saw them come to her surface. she just kicked the negativity on its ass and used the energy to her benefit. and not even to only her benefit, but to everyone's around her. how amazing, huh?
and in the most breathtaking of ways, michelle's untimely death is doing exactly what she would have done. it has become something beautiful. she has showed me and many other wonderful people how important it is to notice and appreciate the love you have around you. the way the faculty and students of the dance department have come together to celebrate michelle's life will stay with me until the day that i die. and although i wish things could have gone onward for michelle, because lord knows that she was deserving, i am so unbelievably joyful that she is not suffering any longer. no longer does she have to turn those bad situations around. there are none. she can now exist where she belongs, in eternally happiness.
so rest in peace, michelle. we love you dearly and you will be missed. now do what you've always dreamed of, and dance till there is no end.

diva therapy.

there's a reason all those cheese-tastic songs exist: breaking up.

call it off by tegan and sara

if you're the one who made the break, this is what you're feeling. hands down.

wonderful life by gwen stefani

if you got dumped, gwen knows how you're feeling. she makes you feel less lonely and has a great voice to cry to.

irreplacable by beyonce

amazing song to make you feel empowered. you don't need him.

home.

so happy to be here. i can't wait for a week without cafeteria food, dorm sleep and painful technique classes. this is everything my body has been begging for.
happyyyy :)

my housing plans.

see more puppies

please understand me, my walls came falling down.

to my little long, lost blog:
i am so so terribly sorry that i've left you untouched for so long. you see, i haven't forgotten you. in fact, i think about you quite often. it's not you, it is most certainly and undeniably me. i've had a trying few weeks that i've been feeling totally indifferent towards and i have yet to find the right words to verbalize my thoughts on the turns my life is taking. just know that i still love you dearly and am going to try my hardest to make sure you grow up to be everything you deserve to be.
that being said, attatched is a brief list of some thoughts i've been meaning to share with you.
love always, a. atsea.

-revolutionary road: the most touching film i have ever seen. it broke my heart twice over and i wish it would do so over and over again.
-i am incredibly lucky to be a dance major. my job is to work hard, play hard and create hard. the problem is i've been falling amazingly short of the playing and creating portion, in turn decreasing the appearance of the fruits of my labor. i can only hope and pray that this means i'm turning a steep corner. at least that's what my intuition tells me. i pray it be correct.
-on a similar note, my brain is swollen with creative ideas that my body cannot spit out. it's entirely too frustrating.
- i need a haircut and i need new music. and i don't know where to look.
- i wish we had more followers. how incredibly selfish and superficial of me.

love.

miss you...

"...feeling stupid and hollow now the moon is gonna follow me home."

on a friday...

roommate #1: what time are you done with classes today?
roommate #2: 10:45. what about you?
roommate #1: 12:40.
roommate #2: omg! you really do have a full five days!

.....

13 hours

i really wish i wasn't so expressive about my personal life. i'm really only embarrassing myself and boring others.
that being said, we're not going to discuss it.

i sometimes wish i was mediocre at dance. i'm in this awful position where i'm good, but not good enough to be noticed so i'm stuck in a limbo land of choreography. i feel like the only reason any choreographer ever uses me is because they already know me and they know how much i put into what i'm given. don't get me wrong, because the reason i do work so hard is because i am always thrilled at any opportunity to perform. i'm not going to sit around and gripe about not being in every single minute of every single piece. i've just hit a rough spot and it's hard to verbalize what i truly feel. so bear with me.

ha. the reason i started a new blog is because my old one was full of 14 year old dance related complaints. ick.

happy birthday!

me: what would you do if i dyed my
hair your color?
will: i would say "oh, cool...." and then get used to it in a week.

i love his absolute honesty to my ridiculous, hypothetical questions.

:)

feast your eyes

this is all i have for now.

returning to tampa tomorrow

www.toothpastefordinner.com

so back to the world of criminally insane cafeteria workers, spouts of cabin fever and sharing bathrooms. it's not all that bad really; i'm just going to miss home so so very much.

2o12

if you pay attention to any of the media outlets made available in this country, you know that our world isn't exactly in the most ideal of situations. that being said, i have to say that americans have it pretty well off in comparison to a good portion of the rest of the world. i'm happy to be here.
unfortunately it's not quite so black and white. tonight i watched a documentary on suburban underage sex trafficking. it's a pretty inconvenient situation to wrap your mind around, but apparently it happens in our own backyards. there are girls as young as twelve years old being kidnapped, drugged beyond belief, raped and exploited to the point where they only realize their purpose in life is to please their pimps. if i remember correctly, the maximum jail time a man can face for kidnapping and essentially putting girls into slavery is fifteen years. FIFTEEN! this is so disappointing. men this deranged should be locked away forever. they get to sit around rent free, with all the food and essentials they will need for fifteen measly years, while their victims will forever pay for what they could not prevent. yes, the girls they took advantage of may be able to return to their normal lives, but truthfully, they will never, ever see normalcy again.
the fact that the american youth has made the term "pimpin'" something admirable suddenly makes me sick to my stomach.
with that extra uncomfortable dose of reality settling in my psyche, i realized the only faith in humanity i could muster came from watching a couple of episodes of the cosby show.

this has been a dismal beginning, but i promise to whoever may read this blog, i won't typically be this much of a stinker when posting.

Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Everyone! Hope yours was filled with love and happiness!

some canadian bliss.

i'll try not to make a habit of this, but this song nearly breaks my heart every time i listen to it.

the woes of blogging.

what i'm trying to tell myself is that creating a new blog will be a good thing. i'm not quite the convincing one.

we'll see what happens.