my deepest breaths are so external these days. i heave my chest outward and inhale, but the air seems to just linger on the outsides of my body.
some days i can't keep my mind off of the pressure. it's exhausting. i can feel my life getting emptier as the clock keeps ticking. i'm not yet where i'm supposed to be and i'm losing the room for patience.
but i keep trying to sigh. i keep the attempts to fill my lungs coming. and then i smile, and show gratitude to the people who are still strong in my life. everything feels feeble, but even in the darkest days i know all is not lost. even if it is only on the surface.

faithless.

[written 3-18-11]

my heart is full. it's contents expanding rapidly causing the seams to bulge and the stitches to shred.
i've never wanted to give so much of myself to anything. i don't want that now. but it has happened.
the weight of this desire, this content existence. it's a hunger that's impossible to feed; it's tantalizing.
all of the power is out of my control and this notion is ridiculous to me. i should never relinquish this much to another.
but i have, and it shows that i am capable. the only stories i know the endings to have already occurred. i want to predict, because i think i can, but predictions are foolish. yet so is every other human tendency. it's high time to make that admission. we are all fools in our own right and there's no amount of knowledge that can give us escape from such reality.
there's no need to rationalize. there's no need for plans. i can hope, pray and dream, but i will only know mystery.
i accept mystery.

FUCK

i'm sick of gravity.