flutter bye.

i have dealt with death and dying a few times before during my short time here. i've had grandparents go in a drawn out, more foreseen process. it was hard nonetheless, but despite my youth and naivety, i understood it was their time to move on to something bigger and better than their frail, weathered existence. a classmate my second grade year lost his two year old brother to a grapefruit sized brain tumor. even though I was only 8 years old myself, i spent the entire funeral service asking God why he didn't take me instead. my twelve year old german shepherd was put to sleep after he lost the ability to move his legs. i know many may not understand the sacredness of your childhood dog's life, but losing him was like losing my big brother.
i'm in no way trying to devalue the devastation and tragedy of each of these deaths. as each one came, they brought their fair share of heart break and undoubtedly changed my life forever, but until yesterday, i had never encountered a death quite like this one. my dear friend and colleague, michelle vargas passed away in a automobile accident saturday night. she wasn't old, and she wasn't sick. she was beautiful, vibrant, inspirational, very much alive michelle.
i can't say that i knew her as well as most, or as well as i could have. and it's true that you never really know what you have until it's gone. i find myself mad that i didn't call her recently and ask her how she was doing (since she was taking a break from school this semester). why did i waste all of those times we spent sitting around outside of the studios listening to my ipod or talking to someone else? why did i not take more pictures with her? it's true, there were so many opportunities untaken by myself, but i know the cause is not lost. you see, i've come to a beautiful conclusion about beautiful michelle. she was so giving in every single aspect of her life, that no matter what your level of interaction with her was, she developed a sincere, meaningful relationship with you. the way her eyes would light up and her wild gestures became so captivating no matter how mundane the content of the conversation. the way she could just throw herself through space with no fear of mistake. how she was always laughing. down to her snarky comments about her numerous tattoos. she was just that alive. you didn't have to be her best friend to recieve what she was giving. you just had to be there.
i understand she didn't live the easiest of lives, and in a way that's news to me. i always knew about her troubles, but truthfully i never saw them come to her surface. she just kicked the negativity on its ass and used the energy to her benefit. and not even to only her benefit, but to everyone's around her. how amazing, huh?
and in the most breathtaking of ways, michelle's untimely death is doing exactly what she would have done. it has become something beautiful. she has showed me and many other wonderful people how important it is to notice and appreciate the love you have around you. the way the faculty and students of the dance department have come together to celebrate michelle's life will stay with me until the day that i die. and although i wish things could have gone onward for michelle, because lord knows that she was deserving, i am so unbelievably joyful that she is not suffering any longer. no longer does she have to turn those bad situations around. there are none. she can now exist where she belongs, in eternally happiness.
so rest in peace, michelle. we love you dearly and you will be missed. now do what you've always dreamed of, and dance till there is no end.